"You cannot legislate the poor into freedom by legislating the wealthy out of freedom. What one person receives without working for, another person must work for without receiving. The government cannot give to anybody anything that the government does not first take from somebody else. When half of the people get the idea that they do not have to work because the other half is going to take care of them, and when the other half gets the idea that it does no good to work because somebody else is going to get what they work for, that my dear friend, is about the end of any nation.

You cannot multiply wealth by dividing it."
Dr. Adrian Rogers 1931-2005

Thursday, March 23, 2017

A Long Dose of Reflection

It's a funny thing to have one window of your life become what others see you by.  Of course this makes sense, but it is a bit surreal when it is about you.  I have been blogging for a while and while it is part of my life to blog it is not my entire life.  I do share a window to my life and I try very hard to keep things as real and upfront as possible, but I do not reveal everything. 

Life goes on with or without social media keeping track. 

Life changes with or without social media keeping track.

Life is with or without social media.

I have a few things I really love doing.  I have told my children that if you love something you will do it every single day or nearly every single day.  Especially something that is a passion.  I love to write.  Even though I do not publish a good majority of things I write, I write every single day.   I am not hoping to be discovered as I am not proclaiming I am good at writing, but it is something I really love to do.  It helps the mind clear, and it allows for all the things I have been thinking about to be on paper or on the computer~whatever I use at the moment.

I write here, on the Double Nickel about the reinventing of who we were to who we are today.  I share a good deal of hardship with a good deal of reality.  As I look back upon when I began the farm blog until now I am a bit humbled.   Things have changed ever so much.  We have all aged.  New members have been added to the family.  Oh and the biggie, thanks to two surgeries Bill is not walking with a cane and is back in the field he loves so much.  In fact, because of this, I have a new job as a campaign manager for my husband's campaign.  I will write about that soon as life is constantly changing.

I have shared the loss of my mother here on the blog.  I actually shared as I was driving across the country in a blizzard praying that she would survive until I arrived at her home.  Thankfully, I did make it to her bedside and spent precious time with her.

It's crazy because it may seem like I share so much because I have shared things that seem so personal or intimate.  But blogging is not life.  Blogging is a part of life.  Some times I go days or even weeks between postings.  Some days I post two or three times.  It depends on the time granted as well as if I feel so inclined to post.

I am writing this post because I realized something from a recent comment.  The comment was this: I'm always struck by the sadness of his loss in your life.  It was a powerful comment about the loss of my father, who was killed in Vietnam. The comment is soundly spot on.  I must confess at first I was reflective about this comment, then defensive, then totally impressed with how true it was.  It is true that it is a deep aching sadness that I still feel today not having my dad in my life.  Yet, it is also true because I don't have dad in my life that I worked harder to ensure that my children would have their dad and that they would have things I did not have.

I want the sweet blogity friend that left this comment to know how much I appreciate the comment.  I cannot change my past and I have known this fact since my earliest memory.  I know I was the baby born after dad died.  I remember at Brownie Scouts singing My Country Tis of Thee almost always tearing up at the line land where my father's died, and understood the song before I think I knew what the song was about.  I realize to the fullest extent that nothing changes the past.  The older I get the more I am sentimental about what I really missed out and have become quite emotional for what my mother never was able to enjoy.  Do you know how hard it was when mom was alive to have another year with my Bill?  I am ever so sad to know that she did not have a seventh anniversary with dad.  This is so crazy because those early years you are so busy having children, building the home, and launching careers that the marriage is nothing like marriage is years down the road.  Mom and dad never enjoyed that moment when all their kids were out of diapers.  If you have had more than one in diapers at a time you can appreciate this.  Mom and dad only had one child in school, the oldest and she was in Kindergarten.  They never were able to get through the teen years together with a high five.

Mom and dad never watched their children find a love and marry.  They weren't able to think of their future as grandparents together.  They weren't able to be strong when their children had hard times or have hard times. 

Instead, I have had milestones my mother never was granted.

I have had a tenth anniversary.
I have had a twentieth anniversary.
I am nearing a thirtieth anniversary.

I have seen three of my children marry.
I have had the sheer joy of seeing my grandsons on their first day of life.
I have had the pleasure of loving a man for more than half of my life and grow older with him.
I am because of my husband.

So, when I share on the blog new things I have discovered about my dad, I am afraid that it seems like that is the world and events that I am encircled by, and in a way I am.  But not in the way I share on the blog.  No, instead I am because of the sadness in my life, the person I am.

I am thankful to have lived nearly 50 years and I embrace this age, as dad never reached 30.
I am thankful to have a love for nearly 29 years and I love each moment, the good and the bad, because mom didn't have a choice.
I am thankful to have children that I have watched grow up, move on in their lives and find loves, as dad never was fortunate enough to see this.

I share the newest finds about my dad because my mom could not share about my dad.  I have shared this several times and understand now that I have my own love.  I cannot imagine life without my Bill.  I cannot imagine trying to breathe if he was not with me.  I most certainly cannot imagine losing him when I was pregnant with wee ones at home.  Therefore, the blog is my forum to ponder about my dad with new discoveries from my mom.  Things she prized, held on to, and never shared are now here for me.  What she could not share in life, she preserved so I could see it now.  I do not find a problem with that as I cannot ever imagine walking in the shoes she walked in.

And I will share the events of February - August 1967 as if they are current events as to me it is.  I am so thankful that it has taken a few years since my mother's death for my sister to mail me the box as it has allowed me to grieve my mother before I learned about my father.

Oh and I will close with something that always amazes me.  I realized that no matter how old I get or how much time passes, the ultimate sacrifice paid by a soldier is always a debt owed by the surviving family.  My family is one such family.  We will always be the family of a soldier killed in Vietnam in April of 1967.

* for the record~I'm not editing this post, as it is a post with my heart weeping upon the page...

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